Daddy...Abba

Okay so yesterday I had a busy morning with classes and then 2 meetings and so finally I sat down infront of my computer around 3 and I just sat there and I could feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew what I needed to do but I fought it.

See, I’ve been kinda avoiding God lately. I mean sure I’ve been “seeking Him” and learning more but there’s been a conversation that’s needed to be had and I was avoiding it. But after like 5 minutes I grabbed my bible and my bag and set out. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I needed to get off my school’s campus. I walked for about 20 minutes and then sat down near the lake not really sure of what to do.

I had my ipod on and was listening to music. I knew I needed to deal with everything that's been going on in me but I just sat there listening to a few songs and fighting tears, and that's when I decided to turn on the song “Carried to the table” by Leeland. And it wasn’t long before I started to cry….more like wept uncontrollably. And it was then that I found an appreciation for wind lol. The wind just kept coming harder and harder and in a sense it was like God’s presence there to comfort me.

And it was then that a conversation that should’ve been had back in March happened. Throughout my past I’ve hit many lows, my rock bottoms. With self injury, depression, among other things but this was a new kind of brokeness. I just sat there with my head in my hands crying while saying “Daddy…Daddy, I’m sorry.”

I’ve been fighting for months to be able to call God my “Daddy”. I didn’t grow up with a dad, my mom married my stepdad with I was almost 11, but by then I had concluded I didn’t need a “dad”. I never knew that would intrude on my relationship with God. But starting back in March I realized I couldn’t call God my “father” or my “dad” and most certaintly not my “daddy”. And when God really impressed onto me that something was wrong I fought hard.

But God, Daddy..You carried me. I am healed and unashamed. <3