God's faithfulness/High school graduation

Exactly a year ago today I typed out my feelings on my old blog about not graduating...and while I totally suger coated how I was TRULY feeling here's a taste of what was said.

June 8, 2010 - "Today I would've graduated high school. When I left my public school at the end of freshman year I couldn't have fathomed what it'd feel like not to graduate with the people I went to school since 2nd grade. They had the graduation at the football stadium which is in the MIDDLE of town. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. When I gave my life over to the Lord I knew there would be trials, but I didn't think any of them would have to do with my old school. So I was out all day with my sister Kati who messaged me at like 11:30 this morning that she NEEDED pizza hut lol, so I jumped in the shower and was at her house 20 minutes later. We ended up just going different places all day and then we met up with my mom and little sister at the park...which is across the street from the stadium. The whole time we were there I wanted to cry. I could see the parade of gold and black caps and gowns, and I could hear the music. I had and sorta still do have conflicting feelings. On one hand I know me leaving public school, having trouble with cyber schools and now not graduating till next year is all in the Lord's plan for my life. But then on the other I was in school with those people since 2nd grade and I wanted to graduate this year!! 2010 was suppose to be my year! I came home and was okay, but then I signed onto facebook and there already sat graduation pictures...and I clicked on them. I sat at the computer and had myself a good cry....yes it hurts that I'm not graduating till next year but I know this is all in the Lord's plan for my life. And walking in the Lord's will is SO much better than walking across the stage in 2010."

That's what I said but the hurt, pain, frustration, etc that I was feeling inside stayed there. For a good long time. I was angry and bitter for such a long time, which only got worse this past fall when most of my friends went off to the Bible Institute without me. Over and over people would tell me that this had to be the Lord's will and that He must have something amazing planned. I would agree but deep in my heart I just wanted to scream. I stayed bitter for a very long time until a few months ago I didn't even WANT to know why this was the Lord's will. But then He began to soften my heart and I began to learn some really valuable life lessons, things that I didn't even realize I needed to change were brought to the light.

Now here I sit exactly a year from that frustration and anger, I am a high school graduate. The Lord's faithfulness has become so evident in my life, to know that exactly a year from when I was "suppose" to graduate I walked across that stage and graduated...it's truly amazing. I could NOT have done it without Christ. :-D

I finished strong

I finished my finals last week. I sent them in and felt a sense of relief.

But with that relief came anticipation and nervousness.

I had already finished my other classes, I had my final grade and I was in the clear but I had to wait for my English grade and my...

Geometry grade. If you read over on my old blog this was my 3rd year taking Geometry and if I don't pass it I would fail my senior year.

I got my final grade back for English yesterday and I passed!

And then this morning I woke up and checked and I PASSED GEOMETRY!!!

I am now OFFICALLY DONE with high school.

FOREVER!!!!

Realization

So every year we have this thing called the "Stay at home Festival". It's over the Memorial Day weekend and in the town up the mountain from us they have a fair and then on Sunday night they have fireworks. So I went to the festival today with my sister Sarah, his husband Jeremy, and then 3 of their boys, Marcus, Dominick, and Jeremy James (Boogie). After it was all over we were driving a few towns over to get McDonald's and I had a realization.

This little boy down there still holds my hand in public, even when his little brother doesn't

This little guy still wants me to put my arm around him so he can put his head on me to fall asleep in the car

And this little feller thinks the world of me

That may not always be...although I wish it will be. But I realized that so many people are just constantly wishing their days away to get to another one or a "better" one. I want to enjoy everyday...I refuse to wish my life away <3

High School

So...it happened.

Something that just a year ago I couldn't EVER see happening.

I sent in my last test of my high school career.

I'm done.

Forgiveness

So I'd feel like a major hypocrite if I did this post about how we need to forgive those who hurt us. How we need to pray for them and love them....'cause the truth is while this is all true, I struggle with forgiveness.

God's been faithful and while I've been able to have things chiseled away from this hardened heart of mine, I still struggle daily. While I'm not going to go in depth of everything that causes me to stumble in the area of forgiveness, most of it can all be traced back to my biological father. What most people don't know is my "dad" is really my stepdad. I've never met my biological father, he and my mother broke up when she was pregnant.

And while some may be thinking, "if you've never met the man, he's never been in your life, why would you be affected by it?" I'll tell you how. It's been 19 years I should be over it by now..right? Wrong.

I didn't grow up with a "daddy", he wasn't there.

And because of that I have a sense of abandonment, I have a hard time trusting...especially men. And because of all of that it's been a 2 year journey of trying to soften my heart and forgive this man I've never met. And there are times where I'm right with God and I can pray for him, but then there's times where....I'm not so right with God about it.

Times where I hurt.

It's soft to the touch, and it can come out of nowhere where I think I'm okay and then something happens and I'm overwelmed and I'm not okay. It's a tough road...but God's patient <3

Transparency

I wish I was more transparent.

That I didn't feel the need to hide who I was..

to hide my flaws

my mistakes

my misunderstandings

my confusion.

Why is it so hard to be open and honest with people about who you truely are? Why do we feel the need to put on a show? Why are we so afraid of not being so knowledgeable?

"Don't be afraid to stand out, that's how the lost get found."

I know personally I need to work on getting over feeling like I have to be fake. I'm not here to please those around me. I'm here to please God and help the lost get found. If I'm fake how am I suppose to show those who don't know Christ, or those who may know Him but are struggling the love of Him if I'm too afraid to admit my faults?

So here's my question, are you hiding your short comings, or are you transparent and authentic?

My dear tooth....

In my last post I let ya'll know about the pain I had been feeling and had been keeping to myself.

I also expressed my fear of dentists...well let's just say the past 2 days I had to face that fear twice.

Yesterday (Friday) I headed to the dentist terrified. The trip was quick, the dentist took a look, sent me to get an xray and then we discussed what was going to happen. The tooth that had been causing so much pain had broken a few months ago. When we missed our appointment it didn't bother me and so we forgot all about it. Well evidently the cause of all of this was a cavity. The cavity is the reason the molar broke but then the cavity got deeper and deeper until it was in the nerve! Which explains the pain in the whole left side of my mouth, in my ear, side of my head, down my neck, my shoulder, and arm....yeah (I was just so terrified of dentist that I let that go on for 2 whole weeks!!)

The dentist was up front and said he just didn't think he could get that tooth out and he got me a copy of my xray, got us a referral, and told us to call an oral surgeon. So my mom called and even though she expressed the pain  I was in we were told I was put onto a waiting list and that I couldn't be seen for 2 weeks. I knew I couldn't wait that long.

That was Friday, on Friday nights I do child care for a bible study at my church. I was in a lot of pain but I didn't want to let the parents who really relied on me down, so my mom let me know if the pain got too bad to get her, I got some ice and I went to watch the kids. Thankfully the pain went away and I was able to play with the kids. Afterwards we usually stay for about half an hour for fellowship and we got to talking with my pastor's daughter and she referred me to a dentist she use to work for. My mom called then this morning and they said they could take me today, maybe not till 5 pm but today none-the-less. Then we got a call at 11, if I could be there for 11:45 they could take me.

So TERRIFIED we drove over. Thankfully my little sister chilled in the waiting room so my mom could come in with me, and even though I told the dentist I couldn't do it a few times and cried a little he was very calm with me and understood my fears. They numbed my mouth (which stayed numb for about 2 hours lol). And got to work. It was a hard tooth to come out. I had my eyes closed and fists clenched the whole time. When it was done and over with I was just so overwhelmed that the tears started to flow. I couldn't stop, my mom was like "Does it hurt, what's wrong?". Nothing hurt, that was just the most traumatic and scary experience I've ever had and I was so overwhelmed. Thankfully after a nap with warm water resting on my mouth the numbing went away and I was able to eat.

Even though I'm not over my fear of dentists I'm glad that God helped me through this. I don't think I could have done it if I hadn't been in constant prayer. So now the pain's gone and I just have to let this heal.

Traumatizing, but I'm blessed to have this taken care of :-D