Finally

So two days ago marked a day that I've been waiting to happen for the past 7 years. After a long 5 year struggle with self injury, today was the 2 year anniversary of being free from cutting. To be honest I haven't been free from self injury for 2 years, but I have been free from cutting for the past 2 years. I struggled with cutting for 5 years, but there were other forms of self injury that came before, after, and during that 5 year struggle. It comes in many different forms. But on Monday I chose to celebrate my victory over cutting and to celebrate that I haven't intentional hurt myself for the past 13 months.

I posted on facebook this status:

"I wanna be real. I want to be able to speak my mind and heart and not be afraid what others think. I want to be authentic. There are things in my life that I've done that I'm in no way proud of. But when you can clearly see in your life when you were down and out, you were falling but God saved you, your perspective about who Christ is exactly changed.

I use to cut myself.

I struggled with a vicious cycle of self injury for about 5 years. Five long years of giving Satan a foothold in my life, feeling shame, being a slave to sin, just not understanding how to get out. Five long years of feeling like my emotions and actions were out of control.

I know what it's like to be afraid of my own mind.
I felt trapped. I felt stuck, alone, and scared...more scared then I've ever been in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't recognize my own thoughts. As I saw it I had no way out. For those years I was stuck in depression, suicidal thoughts, and endless ups and downs of self injury.
But Christ saved me.
And in the words of Relient K:
"I'm sorry for the person I became, I sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try to never become that way again. Who I am hates who I've been, who I am will take the second chance You gave me."
Tomorrow I will be 2 years free from cutting."

I was honestly terrified to post that on facebook but I hit post and then turned off my computer lol. And now I'm thankful I did, I've been able to talk to multiple people about it and their own struggles. I was talking to one of my friends about it and I was telling him how I felt like my theme in life right now is learning to be open and honest and watching 2 Corinthians ring true where it says "I've been comforted by the Great Comforter so I can comfort others". 

It feels super surreal to have finally hit the 2 year mark! God is so faithful, and He is so awesome.

Self observance

So I've been home on break a little over a month and compared to last years winter break from school, it's been vastly different. Last year the whole break I was so ready to head back to school...I missed it. But this year I don't necessary want to head back. I'm not ready to jump back into the craziness of school. But something else is different about this break. God's taken this time to teach me about myself.

I could list a rather large list of what God's been teaching me about myself but I just want to focus on one thing for right now. Growing up in a single parent home I watched my mom work so hard to support and raise us kids. It was just her for the first almost 11 years of my life before she married my step dad. My mom didn't really have anyone to help her out. Sure my grandma loved her, and she had 2 brothers. But my grandma didn't live near us, and neither did her 2 brothers. My mom was on her own, and she was self sufficient. So I suppose that may be where I learned my mentality of self sufficiency.

What came with that self sufficiency wasn't always confidence, but I was a very independent child. And so growing up with that mentality I always felt the need to do things for myself. I had a hard time accepting help from others, sometimes that was so if things turned out bad I only had myself to blame, but other times I just honestly didn't see it as an option to have others help me. That was until I started the 2nd year program at WOLBI. It was then I was sitting in a chapel for Missions Reality and it hit me....I had to raise support for this missions trip to Thailand. I had to talk to people about my need for prayer and financial support, and that was way out of my comfort zone. So with much reluctancy I headed home knowing I would need to stand in front of churches, sit down with people, make phones calls, and write letters telling people about a need that I had. Oh did I mention along with that mentality of self sufficiency, I also had a fear of public speaking? Yeah :)

So I came home and that Sunday I was standing in front of my home church's 8am "traditional" service expressing this need, and then again at the 10:30 service...phew with that behind me I thought I could be done, and then 2 weeks late I was in front of my childhood church's congregation expressing this need. I found myself speaking in front of churches, sitting in pews talking to people, standing outside of churches talking, on facebook chatting with people, writing emails to people, chatting with people before Zumba classes, just like I had so fearfully expected. But it started to get easier, and God definitely helped me to start to overcome my fear of public speaking. But at the time and even up till yesterday I never really paid much attention to my self sufficiency mentality that was until today when I was sitting in my living room thinking about my upcoming missions trip to Thailand and about the financial need I still had...and I started to worry. I signed onto my online account to see my account balance and that's when I saw it, a $500 donation. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I could do was think about how big God was, and how small I was.

I've never felt so blessed and humbled before I started this journey of raising support for my missions trip. Not only have I been able to use this time to work through my fear of man and public speaking, but God's made me realize that I am apart of a body of believers and that I need to let people in. But most importantly I need to put my trust in Him, daily. I'm full of awe, and I am humbled.

God saved me

So on Tuesday it was during the beginning of a long drive home from my nephews doctors appointment that me and my sister had a serious conversation...it came out of nowhere really. We were talking about how my nephews therapist made a side comment about maybe my sister should see a therapist and she was like "that man thinks I'm crazy" and so I made a comment about how our mom thinks I should see one. And when my sister asked me why I took a deep breath and started to talk about my 5 year struggle with self injury, and how next month will be 2 years since I've cut myself but about how it's still a daily struggle....that there are good and bad days. But how I had confided in my mom how when something happens, or I get stressed, or upset my mind still sometimes wanders to self injury and I have to remind myself that's not who I am. She asked me a few questions and then we decided to finish the conversation later just in case the kids heard us over the movie playing in the back of the van.....so here's to a long conversation with my sister in the near future, I'm terrified but I've been praying about this for awhile. Now I get to tell her who I am...Now I get the chance to explain how God saved me :)

The future

I think the reason I 'don't like to think about the future' is because it's scary. Well..of course it is, but I think the scariest part of it is realizing that you're leaving some people behind. Not everyone has the same vision as you or they're fine with just staying at home, and while yes they're your friends I've had to come to a realization today.....I have to follow God's leading and that means going out into the real world. Sending in that application for an internship was the biggest leap of faith I've taken, besides going back to WOLBI for another year. And it terrifies me to think that even though I don't necessarily want to be back at WOLBI for this 2nd year, WOLBI is home to me, so is the WOL Inn. But when August gets here I'm done. And if I get this internship I'm headed out somewhere in the US for a year. I'll be 21 in two months and I'm scared of growing up..

What do I know of Holy?

So I haven't blogged since...August. Dang. (With that in mind be ready for some rambling) So much has happened, and there are times I wish I would've posted something, saved a draft, something. But it was through these past few months that God has been busy at work in my life. And it's been painful, to be honest.

There have been things I've had to walk through that I wish I could have learned the lessons in a different way. I walked through a break up..still am, walked through learning what sin was in my life, walked through reconciliation, walked through losing more friends, walked through valleys of depression, walked through learning what grace means, and walked through just being tired. And I'm sure and I know there's so much more that could be added to that list.

These past few months have been nothing I would have wished for, nor was prepared for. Everything seemed to be finally be okay and settling down after a crazy few months and then it all seemed to come crashing down at the same time and for once in a really long time I didn't want to try and put it all back together. I just wanted to run, soo soo bad. I begged my mom to come get me from school, I withdrew from those around me, and I was just so tired. I slept a lot at school. I would go to class in the morning, come back to my room sleep, go to work, come back and sleep. My grades suffered and so did my health.

But God is so faithful, so very very faithful. Over the past few months I've become so sick of my own sin in my life. I had become desensitized to it, we're called to hate sin and I not only was flirting with it but I was in a freaking relationship with it. There's a quote a friend shared with me and it says "What is sin? Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself" -Susanna Wesley. And that's when it hit me, there's a whole lot in my life that is sin, and so started a long journey of having to walk through figuring out what it looked like to give that all to God.

During one of the Chancellor's Chapel at school our director used the phrase "Don't let your circumstances dictate your joy." And that's something I really struggle with, if things are going on around me I can't help but be upset. But another phrase I heard goes along with that. People always say God won't give you more than you can handle..but actually He can and He will, that's the point. YOU can't do it, HE can. God really started asking the same question over and over again to me "Do you trust Me?"

Coming back to WOLBI for a second year was definitely a leap of faith and me having to give into something bigger than myself, God definitely had my attention and I'm excited to see what else He has in store for me.

‎"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we(I) am not consumed, for His compassions never fail." -Lamentations 3:21-22
♥ Wow, thank You Daddy ♥"

Growing up?

I've watched as my life has been turned upside down these past almost three months. From those who stuck by me through everything that's happened that'd probably say that none of this was my fault, and while I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't change the actions of others, it's still tough for me. Honestly looking back now I don't think I was ready to go into ministry this summer. I was so emotionally drained and so I went into this summer of ministry clinging to God, which was awesome but then I lost touch.

A lot happened this past summer but I was keeping it all to myself. But by the time I went to others they would give me biblical advice but by then I had pretty much given up in a intimate relationship with God. It was then that my actions displayed how I had pretty much given up on everything. I had told one of my friends that I was done and we stopped talking. But by then eventhough I had told him I had forgiven him my actions spoke otherwise. I started listening to people gossiping about him and I didn't stop them like I had before, I started to hold bitterness towards him, and I made unfair comments about him. Actions speak a whole lot more than words.

I felt like my life was a freaking drama show, legit. I lost a lot of friends this summer, I was ignoring my relationship with God, and I was exhausted not only physically because of work, but I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. My life felt like it was falling apart. When God broke me towards the end of the summer He started to reveal to me a lot. While I was thankful that I was able to deal with all of this in a more mature way then I was use to, but also I had to realize that forgiveness is a process. It was an hour by hour kind of deal. I could and still do go between anger, bitterness, remorse, pain, being upset, and extremely emotional.

Right nwo I'm in the process of seeking God, and letting Him deal with the rest. I'm realizing what is healthy for me and what isn't and sometimes nomatter how hard it is, sometimes that means letting go of friendships. People think I'm fine and over it but honestly I struggle everyday. I care. I use to think that was a problem but I don't think it is.

It's a process.

Saying goodbye.

I've spent the last few weeks knowing that the end of the school year was approaching fast and I was clinging to any moment that I was given to be with my friends. I watched as the days flew by and yeah I was that one person who when it was brought up didn't want to talk about the end of the year. I didn't want to think about leaving my friends behind. 

This past weekend was the last weekend here and I didn't want it to fly by without having a blast. So I spent pretty much all my time with my friends. Not doing anything absolutely crazy but definitely memorable, and I'll never forget this past weekend. But before I knew it Sunday was here and due to certain circumstances two of my friends that I've grown to love got into trouble. It was a long day to say the least and when we finally pulled back onto campus late that night I was definitely emotionally drained and physically drained. I wasn't and I'm not angry for the actions of my friends. We all mistakes and we all sin, but the events that came to follow have turned my life upside down...that's for sure. 

I spent Memorial Day sitting outside the deans office waiting to hear what their punishment would be. And I definitely wasn't expecting what started to unfold. They both were dismissed from school. So I've spent the last 3 days an emotional wreck, I haven't slept through the night and I haven't been eating, I can't bring myself to do it. But especially yesterday when I found out that they were leaving early. I know that they would have left on Friday...I get that but it's different when you think you still have a few days left with people you care so much about. I spent last night saying goodbye to one of my friends. And then I spent all day in classes crying and waiting to get a text to find out what was going on. I said goodbye to him again this afternoon and then didn't really know what to do with myself. So I spent two hours with my other friend outside his dorm waiting for his parents to show up. Having to say goodbye....I'm still very easily upset. All someone has to really do is mention one of their names and I'm brought to tears. And while yeah I'm hurt, and my emotions are something I can't really avoid I KNOW and I am CONFIDENT that God has a plan and a purpose for everything. And yeah I'm hurting but God's right there. 

I just wish goodbye wasn't so hard.