I've watched as my life has been turned upside down these past almost three months. From those who stuck by me through everything that's happened that'd probably say that none of this was my fault, and while I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't change the actions of others, it's still tough for me. Honestly looking back now I don't think I was ready to go into ministry this summer. I was so emotionally drained and so I went into this summer of ministry clinging to God, which was awesome but then I lost touch.
A lot happened this past summer but I was keeping it all to myself. But by the time I went to others they would give me biblical advice but by then I had pretty much given up in a intimate relationship with God. It was then that my actions displayed how I had pretty much given up on everything. I had told one of my friends that I was done and we stopped talking. But by then eventhough I had told him I had forgiven him my actions spoke otherwise. I started listening to people gossiping about him and I didn't stop them like I had before, I started to hold bitterness towards him, and I made unfair comments about him. Actions speak a whole lot more than words.
I felt like my life was a freaking drama show, legit. I lost a lot of friends this summer, I was ignoring my relationship with God, and I was exhausted not only physically because of work, but I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. My life felt like it was falling apart. When God broke me towards the end of the summer He started to reveal to me a lot. While I was thankful that I was able to deal with all of this in a more mature way then I was use to, but also I had to realize that forgiveness is a process. It was an hour by hour kind of deal. I could and still do go between anger, bitterness, remorse, pain, being upset, and extremely emotional.
Right nwo I'm in the process of seeking God, and letting Him deal with the rest. I'm realizing what is healthy for me and what isn't and sometimes nomatter how hard it is, sometimes that means letting go of friendships. People think I'm fine and over it but honestly I struggle everyday. I care. I use to think that was a problem but I don't think it is.
It's a process.
