Why can't I let a good thing stay..good?

So my life as of...Sunday has started to slowly but surely fall apart. After over a year of conviction I sent 2 of my brothers and 2 of my sisters a text asking them if they knew where they would go when they died. The only one to respond was my older brother. Very angrily, he said a few things and when i tried to add to the conversation he ended the conversation. I let it go because I wasn't exactly sure what to say, and then yesterday afternoon I got a rather long and angry email from him where he threatened to cut off communication with me if I brought up God again. And apparently now all of my family is angry with me and my mom said she'll "try to talk to me about it later". But as much as that's tearing me apart inside...it doesn't stop there. I made a mistake. I think. I told one of my best guy friends that I couldn't do the bible study we were doing together anymore. I was started to get attached in a way that I knew he didn't feel about me and knew I wasn't guarding my heart. But because I was so emotional last night, instead of talking to him about it I just dropped it out of nowhere. And so that caused a conversation. And now here I sit after classes all morning and working lunch and I feel awful. Why does it seem that I keep messing everything up....why can't   I let a good thing stay..good?

Struggles

Okay so yesterday I found myself in the assistant dean of women’s office here at school telling her everything about myself. All my sins, all my secrets, everything, I held nothing back, and you know what? I’ve never felt so free! But, it’s not all easy. This all started with me texting my friend because I was upset and he ended up calling me on skype. And he told me that I needed to find help, I said I didn’t have time to get help and he told me to make time. So I went through classes the next day defeated and finally I found myself at my desk and just sent the assistant dean a text, knowing I needed help but not really wanted to go out and do it. I got a text back from her and within 10 minutes I was walking to her office. She took me into a room next to her office and I took a deep breath and just blurted ‘it’ out. And then intertwined were stories of hurt, bitterness, guilt, shame, confusion, and apathy.

I need to confess that I’ve been so apathetic towards God, the Bible, victory, my sin, among other things and I’ve finally come to a point that I don’t care who knows my sin I just need help and I need out! After about half an hour talking to her I left but ended up going back today for a little over an hour. These meetings have been super emotional and my heart hurts but I know I need this. I need help and I’m finally getting it. But this road isn’t going to be easy. But there’s something that keeps going through my head and I’m clinging to it…God’s pursuing me, and He loves me. I owe Him this.

Finally

So two days ago marked a day that I've been waiting to happen for the past 7 years. After a long 5 year struggle with self injury, today was the 2 year anniversary of being free from cutting. To be honest I haven't been free from self injury for 2 years, but I have been free from cutting for the past 2 years. I struggled with cutting for 5 years, but there were other forms of self injury that came before, after, and during that 5 year struggle. It comes in many different forms. But on Monday I chose to celebrate my victory over cutting and to celebrate that I haven't intentional hurt myself for the past 13 months.

I posted on facebook this status:

"I wanna be real. I want to be able to speak my mind and heart and not be afraid what others think. I want to be authentic. There are things in my life that I've done that I'm in no way proud of. But when you can clearly see in your life when you were down and out, you were falling but God saved you, your perspective about who Christ is exactly changed.

I use to cut myself.

I struggled with a vicious cycle of self injury for about 5 years. Five long years of giving Satan a foothold in my life, feeling shame, being a slave to sin, just not understanding how to get out. Five long years of feeling like my emotions and actions were out of control.

I know what it's like to be afraid of my own mind.
I felt trapped. I felt stuck, alone, and scared...more scared then I've ever been in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't recognize my own thoughts. As I saw it I had no way out. For those years I was stuck in depression, suicidal thoughts, and endless ups and downs of self injury.
But Christ saved me.
And in the words of Relient K:
"I'm sorry for the person I became, I sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try to never become that way again. Who I am hates who I've been, who I am will take the second chance You gave me."
Tomorrow I will be 2 years free from cutting."

I was honestly terrified to post that on facebook but I hit post and then turned off my computer lol. And now I'm thankful I did, I've been able to talk to multiple people about it and their own struggles. I was talking to one of my friends about it and I was telling him how I felt like my theme in life right now is learning to be open and honest and watching 2 Corinthians ring true where it says "I've been comforted by the Great Comforter so I can comfort others". 

It feels super surreal to have finally hit the 2 year mark! God is so faithful, and He is so awesome.