Saying goodbye.

I've spent the last few weeks knowing that the end of the school year was approaching fast and I was clinging to any moment that I was given to be with my friends. I watched as the days flew by and yeah I was that one person who when it was brought up didn't want to talk about the end of the year. I didn't want to think about leaving my friends behind. 

This past weekend was the last weekend here and I didn't want it to fly by without having a blast. So I spent pretty much all my time with my friends. Not doing anything absolutely crazy but definitely memorable, and I'll never forget this past weekend. But before I knew it Sunday was here and due to certain circumstances two of my friends that I've grown to love got into trouble. It was a long day to say the least and when we finally pulled back onto campus late that night I was definitely emotionally drained and physically drained. I wasn't and I'm not angry for the actions of my friends. We all mistakes and we all sin, but the events that came to follow have turned my life upside down...that's for sure. 

I spent Memorial Day sitting outside the deans office waiting to hear what their punishment would be. And I definitely wasn't expecting what started to unfold. They both were dismissed from school. So I've spent the last 3 days an emotional wreck, I haven't slept through the night and I haven't been eating, I can't bring myself to do it. But especially yesterday when I found out that they were leaving early. I know that they would have left on Friday...I get that but it's different when you think you still have a few days left with people you care so much about. I spent last night saying goodbye to one of my friends. And then I spent all day in classes crying and waiting to get a text to find out what was going on. I said goodbye to him again this afternoon and then didn't really know what to do with myself. So I spent two hours with my other friend outside his dorm waiting for his parents to show up. Having to say goodbye....I'm still very easily upset. All someone has to really do is mention one of their names and I'm brought to tears. And while yeah I'm hurt, and my emotions are something I can't really avoid I KNOW and I am CONFIDENT that God has a plan and a purpose for everything. And yeah I'm hurting but God's right there. 

I just wish goodbye wasn't so hard.

Daddy...Abba

Okay so yesterday I had a busy morning with classes and then 2 meetings and so finally I sat down infront of my computer around 3 and I just sat there and I could feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew what I needed to do but I fought it.

See, I’ve been kinda avoiding God lately. I mean sure I’ve been “seeking Him” and learning more but there’s been a conversation that’s needed to be had and I was avoiding it. But after like 5 minutes I grabbed my bible and my bag and set out. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I needed to get off my school’s campus. I walked for about 20 minutes and then sat down near the lake not really sure of what to do.

I had my ipod on and was listening to music. I knew I needed to deal with everything that's been going on in me but I just sat there listening to a few songs and fighting tears, and that's when I decided to turn on the song “Carried to the table” by Leeland. And it wasn’t long before I started to cry….more like wept uncontrollably. And it was then that I found an appreciation for wind lol. The wind just kept coming harder and harder and in a sense it was like God’s presence there to comfort me.

And it was then that a conversation that should’ve been had back in March happened. Throughout my past I’ve hit many lows, my rock bottoms. With self injury, pill popping, depression, among other things but this was a new kind of brokeness. I just sat there with my head in my hands crying while saying “Daddy…Daddy, I’m sorry.”

I’ve been fighting for months to be able to call God my “Daddy”. I didn’t grow up with a dad, my mom married my stepdad with I was almost 11, but by then I had concluded I didn’t need a “dad”. I never knew that would intrude on my relationship with God. But starting back in March I realized I couldn’t call God my “father” or my “dad” and most certaintly not my “daddy”. And when God really impressed onto me that something was wrong I fought hard.

But God, Daddy..You carried me. I am healed and unashamed. <3