Being real and authentic.

I wanna be real. I want to be able to speak my mind and heart and not be afraid what others think. I want to be authentic. There are things in my life that I've done that I'm in no way proud of. But when you can clearly see in your life when you were down and out, you were falling but God saved you, your perspective about who Christ is exactly changed.

I use to cut myself.

I struggled with a vicious cycle of self injury for about 5 years. Five long years of giving Satan a foothold in my life, feeling shame, being a slave to sin, just not understanding how to get out. Five long years of feeling like my emotions and actions were out of control.

I know what it's like to be afraid of my own mind.

I felt trapped. I felt stuck, alone, and scared...more scared then I've ever been in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't recognize my own thoughts. As I saw it I had no way out. For those years I was stuck in depression, suicidal thoughts, and endless ups and downs of self injury.

But Christ saved me.

And in the words of Relient K:

I'm sorry for the person I became, I sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try to never become that way again. Who I am hates who I've been, who I am will take the second chance You gave me.

My chains are gone.

I am free.

Right perspective

God, I know that through troubles and trials and fears and pain You’re there for me. And I’m sorry for not always acknowledging that fact. I love You. Thank You for always being there. You’re my constant, and You’re all I need <3

Lately I've been trying to deal with some things. Things that I should've dealt with years ago but because I wasn't reaching out and finding my strength in God I wasn't able to. It's been hard, I'm not gonna lie about that. I left school in late November and I head back on Sunday and in just that amount of time I've changed. Through ups and downs, and craziness God grabbed my heart. And eventhough I'm still struggling and at times I'm really hurting I need to keep reminding myself that God's got this...He's got this. He saved me.

This brought tears to my eyes

Anxiety/Panic

You can call it what you want.

Anxiety attack..panic attack.

I struggle with both.

It's definitely not as bad as it use to be but having panic attacks was something I struggled with on a daily basis. That's something that I think I've only shared with 1 other person. Was I ashamed? I don't really know, it's more of the fact that unless you're there to witness the attack while it's happening you can't really tell if someone has an issue with it. So who's going to believe me, right?

My goal is to be more open and transparent so I'm okay with starting to talk about it. I still deal with anxiety attacks. Like for example in my Theology class last month..well October our teacher asked for volunteers that would be reading something in front of the class later in the upcoming week. Something in me told me I had to do it. So I raised my hand and got picked.

I have a huge desire to get over my anxiety. So I lean on God and then with much fear purposefully put myself into positions where I know I'm going to get anxious. Like for instance getting up on stage in front of 250+ people and reading. I put myself in positions to make myself anxious, which is really easy I mean I know myself and I know what makes me anxious. I push through it with God's help, man does my prayer life spike when I'm having anxiety!

I know I can't do this on my own strength, I know that because I've tried for so long. My struggle with anxiety is way bigger then some little stage fright. Because my anxiety attacks leads into panic attacks. For example I'll have an anxiety attack over something simple like walking down the block from my sisters house to my house when it's dark out. But you would think once i get into my house and the door is locked I'd be okay but then panic sets in "what if a person followed me home what if somehow he gets in, I could be killed".

You see my panic attacks are very unrealistic...sometimes I blame shows like Criminal Minds lol.

I know if I really want to get over these attacks I need to turn to Christ, cause it's only through Him that I'll find healing. It just feels nice to be able to type this all out.

Maybe I'm not all alone in this....

When everything falls apart

This song gives me so much hope. It's like God's speaking it to me.

You said
You'd never leave or forsake me
when You said,
this life is gonna shake me
and You said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this I know

when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on
when I see
darkness all around me
when I see
that tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know

when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me togethe
rwhen everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on


Sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun
(it’s rising with the sun)
and there will be storms in this life
but I know You have overcome
You have overcome
when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on


when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

God's love

Have you ever taken the time to meditate on how much God loves us?

There have been times I've found myself jealous of people that grew up in a Christian home, that grew up hearing about God's love and His truth their whole life. I've learned they too have had to deal with problems. It just sucks when coming from a broken family where God was a foreign "force" I've had to wage a different type of war.

There's no God. There was a time in my life when I was that "youth group girl". By that time in my life I had learned all the right answers but noone had taken the time to explain how to make this new found faith my own. Nor did they try to explain to me how real God is. So to me, there was no God.

If you've never been in that point in life let me just tell you, it's scary. At that time in my life I was at my lowest. I saw no way out. I tried to pull myself out of the darkness I was in. But I failed every single time. It wasn't until I came to terms with God and realized who He was and then in perspective who I was. It was only through God's love that I made it out.

And so because of that I try and not miss an opportunity to tell others about His transforming love.

Niece

Did I mention in a few weeks I'm going to be an aunt again?! That'll bring the grand total from 7 nieces and nephews to 8!!

Their shirts say "I'm the biggest brother, I'm the bigger brother, I'm the big brother, I'm the bigger brother, and then the little shirt says I'm the baby sister"



Change

I can't be the only one that thinks it's interesting to look back at who you were years ago and look at yourself now and see how different you were.

It's crazy how much you can change in just a matter of a few years. Thinking back to 2007 to now, it's just wow. So much has changed. I went through so many different phases through those times and many ups and downs but it took all that craziness to get me where I am right now. I use to take what everyone said at face value, especially when it came to religion. But I needed my relationship with God to be personal. So I started questioning things. And I lost friends.

You learn a lot about people when it comes to difficult times. I never thought I would lose so many friends throughout these years but sadly I have but it's true. Those who stick by you are true friends, and I'm thankful for my new friends that have come into my life.

He saved me

Lord, I'm amazed by You.

Thankful ~ Day 14

Christians that aren't afraid of persecution. There are Christians all over the world that are being beaten, put into prison, killed, etc. just for believing in Christ and yet there are people that are afraid to simply pray in public over a meal.

I think it's about time we put things into perspective.

www.persecution.com

Heart break

I don't know how to explain how I feel. People feel called to something, somewhere in life but I....I just care about people. I've been told I care too much but I can't help but look at the news and read missionary blogs and feel burdened. My heart breaks for the lost.

I can't pick just one place, one country, one age group.

My hearts breaking tonight.

Thankful ~ Day 13

Compassion, I'm thankful for the gift of compassion and love that God has given me. My heart aches for the lost people of the world. Not a specific country, just the lost.

And although sometimes the pain of knowing these people are lost hurts, I'm thankful.

I have not forgotten

私は忘れてはいません

"I have not forgotten"

Thankful ~ Day 12

Today is To write love on her arms day. To write love on her arms (twloha.com) is an organization to bring awareness to self injury, depression, suicide, eating disorders, etc. I'm thankful for this organization, they helped me so much.

My and my friend Ben. His is in Spanish, mine in Japanese

My and my friend Leah, my friend Ben drew the love on my arm for me.

Thankful ~ Day 11

Crazy all-nighters at college. Word of Life has youth events this time of year called Superbowls where youth groups go to like hockey games and then go other places all night till morning well we had a bunch of youth groups come onto campus to hang out and so I woke up at 6 as usual went to classes, hung out with friends, started learning the Japanese alphabet and didn't think to take a nap. Well me and 3 others were out in the cold from 12 am to 2 am directing vans, then I hung out with some kids and worked snack shack from 3 am to 6 am. So much fun! So to having that opportunity I'm thankful.



Thankful ~ Day 10

I'm thankful for having Japanese friends who take the time to teach me a new word each day and make it important to try and hold small conversations in Japanese with me :)

Thankful ~ Day 9

Divine meetings. I truly do feel that God makes things happen. I've been struggling lately with the idea of going to Japan to teach English. So just about an hour ago I was hanging out with a Japanese friend of mine in the lawn here at school and then the DIRECTOR of Word of Life Japan popped up out of nowhere, he just got in from Japan today. He told me I should apply now! I'm taking this as an open door and I'm putting in the application. So to that I am thankful.

Thankful ~ Day 8

I'm thankful that the Lord has seen fit to bless the Duggar family with another child. They're such a loving testimony!

Thankful ~ Day 7

Late night phone calls with close friends that are there for you to rant to



Thankful ~ Day 6

Best friends

Rant?

It bothers me that as Christians we're so quick to judge not just the world but eachother. It drives me CRAZY! People become so legalistic about things and start to feel as though it's their job to judge others. Whenever you feel the urge to judge others because they talk a certian way, dress a certain way, etc. why not go to the bible which clearly says "I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." ~ Galatians 2:2

I tried to earn Gods love essentially by only wearing skirts...stupid right? But I followed that trend and became friends with girls just "like me". I start wearing jeans and then boom they're gone. People started dropping me as friends, the funny thing is that it was the ones from online that were all about God's love.

Thankful ~ Day 5

I'm thankful for God's creation. Especially the beauty that I'm surrounded by here at school.



Thankful ~ Day 4

I'm not gonna lie, I'm thankful for the Japanese friends I've made while here at college. They're always pushing me to follow the dreams that God's given me....and yes even if that means I end up not going to Japan lol



Thankful ~ Day 3

Crazy fun times at college



Thankful ~ Day 2

Friends that have been there for almost 5 years <3



Thankful ~ Day 1

11/1/11

So Imma join in on the 30 days of thankfulness.

Day 1:

Awesome godly guy friends

Don't be niave.

Don't be niave.

I know it's easy to nto want to think about those that are lost, maybe you feel comfortable where you are and don't want to branch out, or maybe you're dealing with something in your own life so you figure you aren't 'right with God' enough to talk to others about Him.

I stood there in Bronx, NY. Watching police cars, ambulances, and cars fly by. It was my second day on OAE (open air evangelism). We had finished eating lunch at a park and went back to the street we were assigned to. That morning I had talked to a man who identified himself as an Agnostic for half an hour and I was pumped to talk to others. I crossed the street to the bus stop and struck up a conversation with a man. I saw his bus rounding the corner and I knew I had 5 seconds, 10 tops and so I asked him if he knew who God was.....

He said no.

Let me ask you something, how do you explain to a man who God is in 2.2 seconds? I dont' remember how the conversation ended except for the fact that I handed him an english and a spanish tract and he left. I turned around and with tears in my eyes watch dozens of people walking around and it hit me more than it ever has...

THEY.ARE.LOST

My view on the world has changed since that day.

God please use me.



OAE

Soooo, I've been really busy here at college and a lot of things have been going on!! I'm exhausted and sick but hopefully I can sleep after classes and a meeting tomorrow! So on Friday after lunch I left for New York City to go for Open air evangelism with about 20 other people on our ministry teams from here at Word of Life Bible Institute. So many stories from the people I talked to on the streets of NYC but the big point is that many seeds were planted and I led a teenage guy to Christ!!

I pray for all those I had short 2 minutes conversations with, and those that stuck around for me to present the whole gospel for, and for the man that mocked Jesus while trying to upset me by yelling, those that didn't want to talk but took the tract, and those that didn't, for those that think good works get you to heaven, i pray for the young muslim woman, and those that claimed to be Christians that they'll give the tract I gave them to someone they know that needs Jesus, I pray for Joe, Joe's friend that was so thirsty for the truth but didn't stay to talk to me, I pray for Jason, Francisco(the young man that put his trust in Christ), and the young woman who came to the realization that she needed Jesus but left without placing her trust in Him, and I pray for those who stopped to listen in on the conversations I was having with others while presenting the gospel, and for the worker at burger king that I gave a tract to while on the way home, and I pray that all my team members and all those that came this past weekend were stretched like I was. And lastly I thank God for who He is and what He's done inmy life and for dying on the cross for our sins and that He rose again, because without that I wouldn't have had any good news to share.

Friday night and Saturday morning/afternoon changed my life.

Big things

For a small town girl from a coal mining town in Pennsylvania I never really saw such big plans in my future till now. I'm at a Bible Institute in upstate New York and I've been praying for what to do with my life and right now I've been praying and praying hard about my future..just to put it out there, I'm trying to see if God's leading me to go to school in Argentina or to go and teach english in Japan. Prayers for me would be awesome!!

Truth

I've been feeling empty lately. I'm trying so hard to make it through these past few days, I don't know what it is....I'm striving to get close to God and enjoy my time here but at the same time I find myself wondering why I'm here, I don't know...I'm trying to focus on the truth. That God loves me and that I have awesome friends here and I'm learning so much



What's going on?

So I've been at college for almost a month now and while I love it God's been doing a whole lot of work in my heart that..well it hurts. I know here at the Word of Life Bible Institute this is where God wants me, and I'm having so much making friends, listening to the lectures, and yes even studying(sometimes). But God's been working in my heart and the pruning hurts lol. Maturing should be a part of life and it is and seeing how much I've matured while here is I suppose awesome. I don't know how to explain it, but you know how God shows you something you need to fix but you usually just keep going in sin? (Or atleast I use to) well this time I listened and broke ties, while it hurt...ALOT, I've had friends praying over me and being there to comfort me and guess what, I'm not dead lol. I sense this is going to be an awesome year, I'm just stuck wondering what's next....

Friends

Having friends that love Jesus is so awesome, but what's even better is when you go to a Christian college and so you can just go find them on campus and talk to them. I've really been struggling lately and while it's hard it's comforting to know that they're praying for me! :)

College life

So I got to college on Thursday, my best friend got here on Friday and my mom and little sister left Saturday and that's when college really started. I had an awesome past days just having orientation and having fun being back with all my friends and going to all the activies. We had a campfire a few nights ago and God really impressed upon me what an amazing year this can be as long as I put my trust and faith in Him :)

Yesterday was our last day before classes started. After church and more orientation we had lunch then me and 4 of my friends drove about an hour away to the mall and had fun there and then Walmart and then by the time we got back it was dinner time and then we got ready for a brother-sister dorm night where we had a photo scavenger hunt! Our dorms were superheros and I had so much fun running around and being..well college kids lol.

Then today came. A day that's been in anticipation, class started!! I had a huge bible content test at 8am! Yeah, and I sat there staring at these question going "I'm sorry, what?!?!". But thankfully it's used to see what we know now and then what we know at the end of the year, but still lol. Then I had theology and then 3 classes of James! It was a long morning to say the least.

So anyways I figured I'd check in with ya'll and give you some pictures :)

Hello my new 'normal'?

So it's 4:45am....yes am lol. I'll be leaving for college in like 2-3 hours and I haven't slept yet. So yeah lol, while I'm still sad about leaving I'm so excited for this new season of life. I think the biggest thing hitting me hard is that I'm just starting to realize I'm growing up lol. Oh well, see ya'll when I get to NY!

<3 

College

I leave for college in 3 days, and to say that I'm not terrified would be a lie. I'm nervous, excited, terrified, overjoyed, and just a mixture of feelings.

I'm growing up, and that's scary in and of itself. I'm about to enter a new season of life and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me.

My secret struggle

Brokenness for me was realizing that I needed out and I needed it fast. I needed to quit relying on myself and turn to Christ. Brokenness for me was realizing that I had hit rock bottom and if I didn't start climbing now I'd lose myself. And the only way out was surrendering to Christ.

Scared

I'm not just scared, I'm terrified.

Ever felt that way? When just the thought of something makes your stomach turn and makes you feel like you're gonna puke?

I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

Towards the beginning of this summer I started to think about and pray about something that will change my life. I'm going to Word of Life Bible Institute in about 2 weeks from now but in Argentina Word of Life has a bible institute there and they have a bilingual program. It's purpose is to learn a second language while serving on the mission field.

All summer it's just been a prayer, a thought, and rarely a spoken idea except when I was asked about what I wanted to do after my time at WOLBI. But now it's becoming more real. I sent an email to them a few days back and I got a response this morning.They're excited about my interest about being apart of their program.

Now my stomach is in knots. What an amazing opportunity it would be to live in Argentina and learn spanish first hand, all the while being apart of the mission field?!! I would go after my year in New York and my summer ministry up there....

 But see, I'm terrified at the thought of being away from home for so long. I'm terrified at the idea of being in a world where I won't understand the language, atleast for the first few months.

So I'm asking you to PRAY. I want only what the Lord wants and if this is what He wants in my life....

Here I am Lord, send me.



Hurricane Irene

Two huge trees uprooted down the street from me. But praise the Lord more damage wasn't done :-D