Without a doubt

I’m hoping by starting my journey of being authentic and real, others will feel more comfortable to come forward and realize that they’re not alone. It’s okay to be hurting but we need to run to our comforter and healer, God. “If God hadn’t been there for me I never would have made it, the minute I said I’m slipping, I’m falling, Your love, God took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, You calmed me down and cheered me up.” –Psalm 94:17-19. Looking back now to all those sleepless nights, scars, the pain I was feeling but didn't understand, the suicidal thoughts, the constant fear of my own actions, I know I can say without a doubt that God, He saved me. I’m trying to learn what it means to grow strong from the pain I’ve been through and not letting it destroy me. Because I have that choice. And I’m beginning to choose to give over all my troubles to God; I don’t want to be in control. I’ve seen what that looks like and I realize I can’t do it, nor do I want to. I found hope, I found freedom, and I found love. This is my story.

He carried me

Something I've really never talked about before...something about my past. Before I continue with what I want to say I might as well put it out there so you can stop reading if you want to lol.

Demons.

I don't care what others think, demons are real, the bible tells us so. So anyways.

It started with an overwhelming feeling. I don't know how to explain it. It was something like an overwhelming anxious feeling. Which then turned to an overwhelming heaviness, like depression. Then the dreams started. I don't even like thinking about the dreams I use to have, I still remember them in detail and they got to a point where they were so bad I didn't want to sleep anymore. I figured if I slept I wouldn't have those dreams and I wouldn't get scared anymore, well I thought wrong. There were so many nights that I ended up in my attic room on the corner of my bed crying and rocking back and forth or in the corner of my room doing the same thing. That was such a scary time in my life, I was scared of my own mind and of demons, beings I had only read about in the bible

It's actually something that I like to try and forget about. And it's something that usually doesn't end up in my testimony when I tell people about my life. I wish I could say all that stayed in my past but there are still aspects of it in my life. Not to that extreme at all but maybe a handful of times over the past year I've had night where all I could do was cry and rock in my sleep. Over this past week I started a new ministry here at school. I'm now a "conversation partner". So I now work with 5 Korean students and 1 Japanese student. I'm there for there academic, social, and spiritual life. So this past week I spent A LOT of time sharing my testimony and listening to theirs. All that time of sharing what God has done in my life left me with a spirit of thankfulness, but then I started to dwell on the past and I started to feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone because I was scared.

Then yesterday at our meeting here at school after our 7th weekend of snow camp finished we were sharing testimonies about this past weekend and my friend Tim stood up. He started to share about his past with demons and dreams and how he was able to minister to one of his campers who had been dealing with the same thing. He mentioned he has scripture that he kept for himself that he was able to share with his camper and it was at the moment I knew I had to find Tim later and talk to him. I saw him a few hours later and I ran and caught up to him and just asked the references of those verses and he ended up sitting down with me and talking with me for about half an hour. I'm so thankful for the friends that God has placed in my life here at my first year of college.

And while dealing with demons is a scary thing I know that God has it under control. There's this Indian proverb a professor of ours told us once that talk about a father eagle going out to get food for the mother eagle and their eagle babies. The father went to get a chicken but saw a duckling and took the duckling instead. When he came back the mother duckling told him to put it back, because it was defenseless! That reminded me of me, God, and demons. I see myself as the duckling, demons as the father eagle, and God as the mother eagle. God allows things to happen to us, and demons can't mess with us without God's permission to accomplish whatever in His will. But just like the mother eagle I can see Him telling the demons "put her back". And I can have comfort in that.

God blesses us...even when we don't deserve it

This past week has been crazy. This past weekend has been crazy to be more exact. I counseled at snow camp for my 2nd time and me and my other co-counselors had 15 girls, almost all of whom were strong Christians but one brought a friend and that friend got saved at the Friday night rally!! Praise Jesus!! And then Saturday came, a day I was dreading...and why is that you may ask? It was my 20th birthday, I wasn't particularly sure how to feel about celebrating my birthday while counseling but I now being able to look back at that day I got to love on and disciple these beautiful girls and I wouldn't have had spent my 20th birthday any other way! Sunday came and I headed to the last rally with my girls in the morning before they would leave. The message was awesome and when they called for dedication I ended up walking up with my girls to tie a ribbon to one of the four crosses. And then the girls left, and I was a mess lol. Sunday night I just wasn't in a good mood and all I wanted to do was take a shower and chill but for some reason my best friend just wouldn't leave me alone lol. I took a shower and she just kept following me into my room and waiting and then leaving and coming back. I didn't catch on though cause before I knew it we were walking downstairs and I walked into the dining room and there were all my friends at a surprise party for me. God definitely knows how to bless someone with awesome friends. Thank You, Lord.

And my best friend made a video....and yes I cried.



People are watching

So I've been back to school for alittle over a month now and things have been hectic. Snow camp started the weekend after we got back and it's flown by. I was a counselor about 3 weekends ago and I'll be counseling again this upcoming weekend...which happens to fall on my 20th birthday! What a lot of people don't realize is not only as a counselor but just everyday life people are watching and they can tell if it's God shining through you or your own selfish desires. After I counseled I received an envelope filled with about 11 cards they were from my campers. I got the usual thank yous and how much fun they had but there were a few that thanked me for bringing them closer to God and for teaching them more about God. More then 1 thanked me for doing whatever activites they wanted, even if that meant towing them all over campus...and our campus is large lol. I couldn't help but cry, for one because I missed them but for two that it was all worth it. All the frustration, lack of sleep, dehydration(forgot to drink during the weekend lol), tears I kept till they were sleeping, endless prayer, trying to get them to stay attentive during the meetings, the wiping of their tears, the tight hugs and prayer....how only over 44 hours I got so close to those girls I have no idea...but all of that was worth it...ALL of it. I can only pray that this weekend coming up I can be selfless and see more kids come to Christ.

Wasting my time

God's really been breaking my heart. I try to remember why I'm here at Word of Life Bible Institute, I'm trying to remember that putting myself under the teachings of men that love God and being able to have the time to be in the word all day for a whole year is something that God has blessed me with. But then my heart keeps breaking when I read news reports and blogs and I'm left to feel like I'm wasting my time...I want to be out in the world feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, giving hope to the lost. I want to be out in the world. God help me.