Self observance

So I've been home on break a little over a month and compared to last years winter break from school, it's been vastly different. Last year the whole break I was so ready to head back to school...I missed it. But this year I don't necessary want to head back. I'm not ready to jump back into the craziness of school. But something else is different about this break. God's taken this time to teach me about myself.

I could list a rather large list of what God's been teaching me about myself but I just want to focus on one thing for right now. Growing up in a single parent home I watched my mom work so hard to support and raise us kids. It was just her for the first almost 11 years of my life before she married my step dad. My mom didn't really have anyone to help her out. Sure my grandma loved her, and she had 2 brothers. But my grandma didn't live near us, and neither did her 2 brothers. My mom was on her own, and she was self sufficient. So I suppose that may be where I learned my mentality of self sufficiency.

What came with that self sufficiency wasn't always confidence, but I was a very independent child. And so growing up with that mentality I always felt the need to do things for myself. I had a hard time accepting help from others, sometimes that was so if things turned out bad I only had myself to blame, but other times I just honestly didn't see it as an option to have others help me. That was until I started the 2nd year program at WOLBI. It was then I was sitting in a chapel for Missions Reality and it hit me....I had to raise support for this missions trip to Thailand. I had to talk to people about my need for prayer and financial support, and that was way out of my comfort zone. So with much reluctancy I headed home knowing I would need to stand in front of churches, sit down with people, make phones calls, and write letters telling people about a need that I had. Oh did I mention along with that mentality of self sufficiency, I also had a fear of public speaking? Yeah :)

So I came home and that Sunday I was standing in front of my home church's 8am "traditional" service expressing this need, and then again at the 10:30 service...phew with that behind me I thought I could be done, and then 2 weeks late I was in front of my childhood church's congregation expressing this need. I found myself speaking in front of churches, sitting in pews talking to people, standing outside of churches talking, on facebook chatting with people, writing emails to people, chatting with people before Zumba classes, just like I had so fearfully expected. But it started to get easier, and God definitely helped me to start to overcome my fear of public speaking. But at the time and even up till yesterday I never really paid much attention to my self sufficiency mentality that was until today when I was sitting in my living room thinking about my upcoming missions trip to Thailand and about the financial need I still had...and I started to worry. I signed onto my online account to see my account balance and that's when I saw it, a $500 donation. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I could do was think about how big God was, and how small I was.

I've never felt so blessed and humbled before I started this journey of raising support for my missions trip. Not only have I been able to use this time to work through my fear of man and public speaking, but God's made me realize that I am apart of a body of believers and that I need to let people in. But most importantly I need to put my trust in Him, daily. I'm full of awe, and I am humbled.

God saved me

So on Tuesday it was during the beginning of a long drive home from my nephews doctors appointment that me and my sister had a serious conversation...it came out of nowhere really. We were talking about how my nephews therapist made a side comment about maybe my sister should see a therapist and she was like "that man thinks I'm crazy" and so I made a comment about how our mom thinks I should see one. And when my sister asked me why I took a deep breath and started to talk about my 5 year struggle with self injury, and how next month will be 2 years since I've cut myself but about how it's still a daily struggle....that there are good and bad days. But how I had confided in my mom how when something happens, or I get stressed, or upset my mind still sometimes wanders to self injury and I have to remind myself that's not who I am. She asked me a few questions and then we decided to finish the conversation later just in case the kids heard us over the movie playing in the back of the van.....so here's to a long conversation with my sister in the near future, I'm terrified but I've been praying about this for awhile. Now I get to tell her who I am...Now I get the chance to explain how God saved me :)

The future

I think the reason I 'don't like to think about the future' is because it's scary. Well..of course it is, but I think the scariest part of it is realizing that you're leaving some people behind. Not everyone has the same vision as you or they're fine with just staying at home, and while yes they're your friends I've had to come to a realization today.....I have to follow God's leading and that means going out into the real world. Sending in that application for an internship was the biggest leap of faith I've taken, besides going back to WOLBI for another year. And it terrifies me to think that even though I don't necessarily want to be back at WOLBI for this 2nd year, WOLBI is home to me, so is the WOL Inn. But when August gets here I'm done. And if I get this internship I'm headed out somewhere in the US for a year. I'll be 21 in two months and I'm scared of growing up..

What do I know of Holy?

So I haven't blogged since...August. Dang. (With that in mind be ready for some rambling) So much has happened, and there are times I wish I would've posted something, saved a draft, something. But it was through these past few months that God has been busy at work in my life. And it's been painful, to be honest.

There have been things I've had to walk through that I wish I could have learned the lessons in a different way. I walked through a break up..still am, walked through learning what sin was in my life, walked through reconciliation, walked through losing more friends, walked through valleys of depression, walked through learning what grace means, and walked through just being tired. And I'm sure and I know there's so much more that could be added to that list.

These past few months have been nothing I would have wished for, nor was prepared for. Everything seemed to be finally be okay and settling down after a crazy few months and then it all seemed to come crashing down at the same time and for once in a really long time I didn't want to try and put it all back together. I just wanted to run, soo soo bad. I begged my mom to come get me from school, I withdrew from those around me, and I was just so tired. I slept a lot at school. I would go to class in the morning, come back to my room sleep, go to work, come back and sleep. My grades suffered and so did my health.

But God is so faithful, so very very faithful. Over the past few months I've become so sick of my own sin in my life. I had become desensitized to it, we're called to hate sin and I not only was flirting with it but I was in a freaking relationship with it. There's a quote a friend shared with me and it says "What is sin? Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself" -Susanna Wesley. And that's when it hit me, there's a whole lot in my life that is sin, and so started a long journey of having to walk through figuring out what it looked like to give that all to God.

During one of the Chancellor's Chapel at school our director used the phrase "Don't let your circumstances dictate your joy." And that's something I really struggle with, if things are going on around me I can't help but be upset. But another phrase I heard goes along with that. People always say God won't give you more than you can handle..but actually He can and He will, that's the point. YOU can't do it, HE can. God really started asking the same question over and over again to me "Do you trust Me?"

Coming back to WOLBI for a second year was definitely a leap of faith and me having to give into something bigger than myself, God definitely had my attention and I'm excited to see what else He has in store for me.

‎"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we(I) am not consumed, for His compassions never fail." -Lamentations 3:21-22
♥ Wow, thank You Daddy ♥"

Growing up?

I've watched as my life has been turned upside down these past almost three months. From those who stuck by me through everything that's happened that'd probably say that none of this was my fault, and while I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't change the actions of others, it's still tough for me. Honestly looking back now I don't think I was ready to go into ministry this summer. I was so emotionally drained and so I went into this summer of ministry clinging to God, which was awesome but then I lost touch.

A lot happened this past summer but I was keeping it all to myself. But by the time I went to others they would give me biblical advice but by then I had pretty much given up in a intimate relationship with God. It was then that my actions displayed how I had pretty much given up on everything. I had told one of my friends that I was done and we stopped talking. But by then eventhough I had told him I had forgiven him my actions spoke otherwise. I started listening to people gossiping about him and I didn't stop them like I had before, I started to hold bitterness towards him, and I made unfair comments about him. Actions speak a whole lot more than words.

I felt like my life was a freaking drama show, legit. I lost a lot of friends this summer, I was ignoring my relationship with God, and I was exhausted not only physically because of work, but I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. My life felt like it was falling apart. When God broke me towards the end of the summer He started to reveal to me a lot. While I was thankful that I was able to deal with all of this in a more mature way then I was use to, but also I had to realize that forgiveness is a process. It was an hour by hour kind of deal. I could and still do go between anger, bitterness, remorse, pain, being upset, and extremely emotional.

Right nwo I'm in the process of seeking God, and letting Him deal with the rest. I'm realizing what is healthy for me and what isn't and sometimes nomatter how hard it is, sometimes that means letting go of friendships. People think I'm fine and over it but honestly I struggle everyday. I care. I use to think that was a problem but I don't think it is.

It's a process.

Saying goodbye.

I've spent the last few weeks knowing that the end of the school year was approaching fast and I was clinging to any moment that I was given to be with my friends. I watched as the days flew by and yeah I was that one person who when it was brought up didn't want to talk about the end of the year. I didn't want to think about leaving my friends behind. 

This past weekend was the last weekend here and I didn't want it to fly by without having a blast. So I spent pretty much all my time with my friends. Not doing anything absolutely crazy but definitely memorable, and I'll never forget this past weekend. But before I knew it Sunday was here and due to certain circumstances two of my friends that I've grown to love got into trouble. It was a long day to say the least and when we finally pulled back onto campus late that night I was definitely emotionally drained and physically drained. I wasn't and I'm not angry for the actions of my friends. We all mistakes and we all sin, but the events that came to follow have turned my life upside down...that's for sure. 

I spent Memorial Day sitting outside the deans office waiting to hear what their punishment would be. And I definitely wasn't expecting what started to unfold. They both were dismissed from school. So I've spent the last 3 days an emotional wreck, I haven't slept through the night and I haven't been eating, I can't bring myself to do it. But especially yesterday when I found out that they were leaving early. I know that they would have left on Friday...I get that but it's different when you think you still have a few days left with people you care so much about. I spent last night saying goodbye to one of my friends. And then I spent all day in classes crying and waiting to get a text to find out what was going on. I said goodbye to him again this afternoon and then didn't really know what to do with myself. So I spent two hours with my other friend outside his dorm waiting for his parents to show up. Having to say goodbye....I'm still very easily upset. All someone has to really do is mention one of their names and I'm brought to tears. And while yeah I'm hurt, and my emotions are something I can't really avoid I KNOW and I am CONFIDENT that God has a plan and a purpose for everything. And yeah I'm hurting but God's right there. 

I just wish goodbye wasn't so hard.

Daddy...Abba

Okay so yesterday I had a busy morning with classes and then 2 meetings and so finally I sat down infront of my computer around 3 and I just sat there and I could feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew what I needed to do but I fought it.

See, I’ve been kinda avoiding God lately. I mean sure I’ve been “seeking Him” and learning more but there’s been a conversation that’s needed to be had and I was avoiding it. But after like 5 minutes I grabbed my bible and my bag and set out. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I needed to get off my school’s campus. I walked for about 20 minutes and then sat down near the lake not really sure of what to do.

I had my ipod on and was listening to music. I knew I needed to deal with everything that's been going on in me but I just sat there listening to a few songs and fighting tears, and that's when I decided to turn on the song “Carried to the table” by Leeland. And it wasn’t long before I started to cry….more like wept uncontrollably. And it was then that I found an appreciation for wind lol. The wind just kept coming harder and harder and in a sense it was like God’s presence there to comfort me.

And it was then that a conversation that should’ve been had back in March happened. Throughout my past I’ve hit many lows, my rock bottoms. With self injury, pill popping, depression, among other things but this was a new kind of brokeness. I just sat there with my head in my hands crying while saying “Daddy…Daddy, I’m sorry.”

I’ve been fighting for months to be able to call God my “Daddy”. I didn’t grow up with a dad, my mom married my stepdad with I was almost 11, but by then I had concluded I didn’t need a “dad”. I never knew that would intrude on my relationship with God. But starting back in March I realized I couldn’t call God my “father” or my “dad” and most certaintly not my “daddy”. And when God really impressed onto me that something was wrong I fought hard.

But God, Daddy..You carried me. I am healed and unashamed. <3

Sought and Rescued

So I have a friend here at college that does Henna so she asked if I wanted a henna tattoo and so after some thinking I decided I wanted to phrase "Sought and Rescued". I've been dealing with a lot lately, God been really breaking me but it's through this brokenness that I can appreciate sooo much how He saved me. I'm just in awe. He sought me out and He rescued me. 2 Samuel 22:20 says "He brought me out into a broad place, He rescued me because He delights in me. "

Wow <3

Longing

I should be packing considering I head back to college tomorrow morning but instead I'm sitting in my room thinking about a lot. I found mysefl looking through wedding pictures from a friend of mine's brother and his new bride, they got married yesterday. I've been learning what it means to give God your desires a lot lately. I'm 20 years old, and during my "teenage years" ofcourse I wanted guy's attention but now it's somewhat different. My heart longs to be with someone, I long to get married.

A few days ago I ended up in tears while praying to God, I realized that as it looks now with the opportunities that He's been laying infront of me I have to lay down a lot of my desires in life. I want to get married but right now I'm in Bible college, and I head back from 2nd year next year. And then after that I want to take an internship where I'll be living in a large city while going to college online to get certified in addictions counseling and to become a counselor. And if you had told me this a few months ago I wouldn't believe you...and if you knew my hearts desires you'd question why I'd do this in the first place.

My hearts desire is to get married, to live in the country, and to have children....living in a big city and working at a rescue mission while becoming certified to counsel drug addicts is a far cry from that. And it was in the tearful prayer that I realized I needed to trust God, and not only that but I feel like He's teaching me that HE is enough. It's easy to say Christ is enough but it's at those times when I feel lonely that I realize, I'm not even close to being in love with Christ and having Him be enough.

I guess...I have a lot of growing up to do. I'm 20 years old and learning what it means to be fulfilled by God.

Let's be real

I was watching a video earlier that I have watched back in December and the things this young girl was saying explain exactly how I feel. So I figured that since this is my blog, I should feel comfortable telling this to whoever reads this.

So, I keep having this fear that I've been putting on a front about what's going on in my life. I'm constantly saying how I'm free from the power of sin and how it's so awesome that Christ saved me. And I do, I do believe all of that! But I would be lying if I said I don't struggle because I do, I have been struggling. And to anyone who's struggling with self injury, depression, suicidal thoughts, depression, feeling distant from God, questioning God, among other things...you should know that I'm not perfect(shocker!) and I don't have it all together, and that I'm struggling too. And I know that IT IS hard and it weighs on you. But I know we can get through this with God on our side <3

Healing

The pain of yesterday is gone.

 "I've healed you, now move on into the future unafraid. And if anything breaks, I'll fix it" ~ God <3

Without a doubt

I’m hoping by starting my journey of being authentic and real, others will feel more comfortable to come forward and realize that they’re not alone. It’s okay to be hurting but we need to run to our comforter and healer, God. “If God hadn’t been there for me I never would have made it, the minute I said I’m slipping, I’m falling, Your love, God took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, You calmed me down and cheered me up.” –Psalm 94:17-19. Looking back now to all those sleepless nights, scars, the pain I was feeling but didn't understand, the suicidal thoughts, the constant fear of my own actions, I know I can say without a doubt that God, He saved me. I’m trying to learn what it means to grow strong from the pain I’ve been through and not letting it destroy me. Because I have that choice. And I’m beginning to choose to give over all my troubles to God; I don’t want to be in control. I’ve seen what that looks like and I realize I can’t do it, nor do I want to. I found hope, I found freedom, and I found love. This is my story.

He carried me

Something I've really never talked about before...something about my past. Before I continue with what I want to say I might as well put it out there so you can stop reading if you want to lol.

Demons.

I don't care what others think, demons are real, the bible tells us so. So anyways.

It started with an overwhelming feeling. I don't know how to explain it. It was something like an overwhelming anxious feeling. Which then turned to an overwhelming heaviness, like depression. Then the dreams started. I don't even like thinking about the dreams I use to have, I still remember them in detail and they got to a point where they were so bad I didn't want to sleep anymore. I figured if I slept I wouldn't have those dreams and I wouldn't get scared anymore, well I thought wrong. There were so many nights that I ended up in my attic room on the corner of my bed crying and rocking back and forth or in the corner of my room doing the same thing. That was such a scary time in my life, I was scared of my own mind and of demons, beings I had only read about in the bible

It's actually something that I like to try and forget about. And it's something that usually doesn't end up in my testimony when I tell people about my life. I wish I could say all that stayed in my past but there are still aspects of it in my life. Not to that extreme at all but maybe a handful of times over the past year I've had night where all I could do was cry and rock in my sleep. Over this past week I started a new ministry here at school. I'm now a "conversation partner". So I now work with 5 Korean students and 1 Japanese student. I'm there for there academic, social, and spiritual life. So this past week I spent A LOT of time sharing my testimony and listening to theirs. All that time of sharing what God has done in my life left me with a spirit of thankfulness, but then I started to dwell on the past and I started to feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone because I was scared.

Then yesterday at our meeting here at school after our 7th weekend of snow camp finished we were sharing testimonies about this past weekend and my friend Tim stood up. He started to share about his past with demons and dreams and how he was able to minister to one of his campers who had been dealing with the same thing. He mentioned he has scripture that he kept for himself that he was able to share with his camper and it was at the moment I knew I had to find Tim later and talk to him. I saw him a few hours later and I ran and caught up to him and just asked the references of those verses and he ended up sitting down with me and talking with me for about half an hour. I'm so thankful for the friends that God has placed in my life here at my first year of college.

And while dealing with demons is a scary thing I know that God has it under control. There's this Indian proverb a professor of ours told us once that talk about a father eagle going out to get food for the mother eagle and their eagle babies. The father went to get a chicken but saw a duckling and took the duckling instead. When he came back the mother duckling told him to put it back, because it was defenseless! That reminded me of me, God, and demons. I see myself as the duckling, demons as the father eagle, and God as the mother eagle. God allows things to happen to us, and demons can't mess with us without God's permission to accomplish whatever in His will. But just like the mother eagle I can see Him telling the demons "put her back". And I can have comfort in that.

God blesses us...even when we don't deserve it

This past week has been crazy. This past weekend has been crazy to be more exact. I counseled at snow camp for my 2nd time and me and my other co-counselors had 15 girls, almost all of whom were strong Christians but one brought a friend and that friend got saved at the Friday night rally!! Praise Jesus!! And then Saturday came, a day I was dreading...and why is that you may ask? It was my 20th birthday, I wasn't particularly sure how to feel about celebrating my birthday while counseling but I now being able to look back at that day I got to love on and disciple these beautiful girls and I wouldn't have had spent my 20th birthday any other way! Sunday came and I headed to the last rally with my girls in the morning before they would leave. The message was awesome and when they called for dedication I ended up walking up with my girls to tie a ribbon to one of the four crosses. And then the girls left, and I was a mess lol. Sunday night I just wasn't in a good mood and all I wanted to do was take a shower and chill but for some reason my best friend just wouldn't leave me alone lol. I took a shower and she just kept following me into my room and waiting and then leaving and coming back. I didn't catch on though cause before I knew it we were walking downstairs and I walked into the dining room and there were all my friends at a surprise party for me. God definitely knows how to bless someone with awesome friends. Thank You, Lord.

And my best friend made a video....and yes I cried.



People are watching

So I've been back to school for alittle over a month now and things have been hectic. Snow camp started the weekend after we got back and it's flown by. I was a counselor about 3 weekends ago and I'll be counseling again this upcoming weekend...which happens to fall on my 20th birthday! What a lot of people don't realize is not only as a counselor but just everyday life people are watching and they can tell if it's God shining through you or your own selfish desires. After I counseled I received an envelope filled with about 11 cards they were from my campers. I got the usual thank yous and how much fun they had but there were a few that thanked me for bringing them closer to God and for teaching them more about God. More then 1 thanked me for doing whatever activites they wanted, even if that meant towing them all over campus...and our campus is large lol. I couldn't help but cry, for one because I missed them but for two that it was all worth it. All the frustration, lack of sleep, dehydration(forgot to drink during the weekend lol), tears I kept till they were sleeping, endless prayer, trying to get them to stay attentive during the meetings, the wiping of their tears, the tight hugs and prayer....how only over 44 hours I got so close to those girls I have no idea...but all of that was worth it...ALL of it. I can only pray that this weekend coming up I can be selfless and see more kids come to Christ.

Wasting my time

God's really been breaking my heart. I try to remember why I'm here at Word of Life Bible Institute, I'm trying to remember that putting myself under the teachings of men that love God and being able to have the time to be in the word all day for a whole year is something that God has blessed me with. But then my heart keeps breaking when I read news reports and blogs and I'm left to feel like I'm wasting my time...I want to be out in the world feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, giving hope to the lost. I want to be out in the world. God help me.