Scared

I'm not just scared, I'm terrified.

Ever felt that way? When just the thought of something makes your stomach turn and makes you feel like you're gonna puke?

I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

Towards the beginning of this summer I started to think about and pray about something that will change my life. I'm going to Word of Life Bible Institute in about 2 weeks from now but in Argentina Word of Life has a bible institute there and they have a bilingual program. It's purpose is to learn a second language while serving on the mission field.

All summer it's just been a prayer, a thought, and rarely a spoken idea except when I was asked about what I wanted to do after my time at WOLBI. But now it's becoming more real. I sent an email to them a few days back and I got a response this morning.They're excited about my interest about being apart of their program.

Now my stomach is in knots. What an amazing opportunity it would be to live in Argentina and learn spanish first hand, all the while being apart of the mission field?!! I would go after my year in New York and my summer ministry up there....

 But see, I'm terrified at the thought of being away from home for so long. I'm terrified at the idea of being in a world where I won't understand the language, atleast for the first few months.

So I'm asking you to PRAY. I want only what the Lord wants and if this is what He wants in my life....

Here I am Lord, send me.



Hurricane Irene

Two huge trees uprooted down the street from me. But praise the Lord more damage wasn't done :-D

Who am I exactly?

Something I am thankful for from this past summer was the time that people invested into my life. The discipleship that I received has changed my life. The biggest thing that stood out to me this summer was who I am in Christ. I feel like over the past few years I've lost who I am exactly. And I felt trapped by my past and my past actions and I felt like that's what defined me. But I was brought to Ephesians 1, and while I still struggle with my identity in Christ I know that to counteract my ungodly thoughts is through scripture. and Ephesians 1:3-14 does just that!

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. ⁴ Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. ⁵ God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. ⁶ So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.^{[a] 7} He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. ⁸ He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

 ⁹ God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. ¹⁰ And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. ¹¹ Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God,^[b] for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

 ¹² God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God. ¹³ And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own^[c] by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. ¹⁴ The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him."

Just to name a few, I am...

loved,

chosen,

holy,

without fault,

adopted,

purchased,

united with God,

inherited,

and

forgiven.

Wow, if that doesn't give you goosebumps I don't know what will. Every day when I do my quiet time, daily devotions I read Ephesians 1:3-14 outloud. Somedays just once, other days a few times. It's through God's word that I am changing :)

The song below really challenged me this summer and I hope for you it will do the same! :)

Thank you

I sat in that hidden rooms for 3 hours with you. Pouring out my heart, praying, reading, praying, trying not to cry. And while people may have thought I was in trouble for being in a meeting with my unit leader for 3 hours I know that those hours were changing my life.

You showed me that people truly care. You were honest, you don't have all the answers but you brought me to scripture that would. You didn't push, you just let me talk...something I've needed to do all summer.

I'm so thankful for those that take the time to disciple...and truly invest time in others lives.

Thank you Renee <3

And thank you Patience for knowing when to find someone that could give me answers you couldn't <3



Running

Overwhelmed I sat down hard and poured out my feelings to my room supervisor. Tales of being overwhelmed, depressed, confused, wanting answers, just plain ole' tired...and then that's when I had to get to the real problem. All those emotions had hit all at once during out meeting and I had 2 things run through my head...to go back to a self-destructive sin and to run. Run from God, run from wanting to change, run from being transformed by God...I just wanted to run. I had been trying so hard and only got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter because I was doing it all on my own. My supervisor was honest with me and told me she didn't have the answers for me. In walked our unit leader who sat down and I repeated everything to her..no holds back and she didn't have the answers either....

Frustrated I told them I wanted to go to bed. I went to my room and cried, in walked my friend who just rubbed my back while I cried, she left and I just laid there in the dark. Confused, hurt, angry and overwhelmed. I didn't sleep that night. If I did I don't remember it.

In the end, all that progress I thought I was making was nothing. Because all of it was through my own strength. All of it.

I've been bogged down by doubts, fears, and thoughts. I still can't fully grasp that I am a new creation in the sight of God, and that I'm more than who I once was and all the mistakes that came with that old person...and that I've been given new life.

I'm having a hard time with all of that.

A daily reminder

What I write on my wrist daily...

I am...

I am a woman.
I can talk louder than most, but I’d rather you hear my pumping heart, beating loudly with life and love that runs deep & thick through each vein.

I carry the weight of my hips & the weight of the world; I’m stronger than I look & I’m stronger than I feel.
I am made in the image of God and I am emotional. I struggle with the want to hide my emotions and at the same time I don’t want to keep my feelings bound up in the bars of my ribcage.

I am a younger sister.
I've spent nights worried about my siblings decisions in life, I've spent long times in prayer for their futures, and their present...I've spent time defending them, I've spent times missing them like crazy and I've spent times not knowing what to do when the choices in their lives weren't and aren't the way they "should" be.

I am an older sister.
I'm scared for their future, I want them to be living their lives out for Christ but ultimately that's going to be a personal decision...and that terrifies me. I want to be a Godly example in their life, but struggle daily with just remembering to breathe and remember that everything is going to be OKAY.

I am a daughter.
Number 3 daughter to be exact and I'm the loud one...that's just the way it is. But I'm also the one that's quiet about my struggles. I still don't know if they truly understand what I went through.....do you?

I am a step-daughter.
I love him but I also struggle with respect, I struggle with not letting my anger towards others be the reason for my anger towards my step-dad. I struggle with letting my abandonment issues dictact how I'm going to enteract with my him.

I am a aunt.
To 5 nephews and 2 soon to be 3 nieces. Watching them grow up so fast is a terrifying fact in my life.

I am a bestfriend.
There are times I can't stand her and then times I don't know what to do with myself when we can't be together. Friends are truly a reminder from God of what love is. I wouldn't trade my Leah for anything.

I'm a Christian
The Lord is my Savior and He's where I go to find my strength...I pray that I find it nowhere else anymore

I am survivor.
I have clawed my way through the valley of death and I did fear evil because it reigned in my mind. I continue to walk the hills of depression but I know that the hurt means I’m alive and isn’t that a gift?

My skin has been sliced and diced by words and knives alike and the scar tissue doesn’t numb the remembering but it makes me stronger than I was when I started.

I am a struggler.
The list could go on and on. But througout them all I strive for God's grace and mercy to shine through my life and actions.

Yes, I am a deep thinker.

I wonder how I’m going to avoid the shallow end of the pool today. I fear being too safe and I fear the risk. I am a contradiction but I walk it out and figure it out and learn that I need to say yes to the mess. Yes to the risk. Yes to really living it full.
Because this life… this one life I have & everything I pack into it is a gift.
I’m re-learning the graceful art of counting the gifts, the blessings.


“What if you woke up tomorrow with only what you thanked God for today?”

And I am haunted.

I am reminded.