I finished strong

I finished my finals last week. I sent them in and felt a sense of relief.

But with that relief came anticipation and nervousness.

I had already finished my other classes, I had my final grade and I was in the clear but I had to wait for my English grade and my...

Geometry grade. If you read over on my old blog this was my 3rd year taking Geometry and if I don't pass it I would fail my senior year.

I got my final grade back for English yesterday and I passed!

And then this morning I woke up and checked and I PASSED GEOMETRY!!!

I am now OFFICALLY DONE with high school.

FOREVER!!!!

Realization

So every year we have this thing called the "Stay at home Festival". It's over the Memorial Day weekend and in the town up the mountain from us they have a fair and then on Sunday night they have fireworks. So I went to the festival today with my sister Sarah, his husband Jeremy, and then 3 of their boys, Marcus, Dominick, and Jeremy James (Boogie). After it was all over we were driving a few towns over to get McDonald's and I had a realization.

This little boy down there still holds my hand in public, even when his little brother doesn't

This little guy still wants me to put my arm around him so he can put his head on me to fall asleep in the car

And this little feller thinks the world of me

That may not always be...although I wish it will be. But I realized that so many people are just constantly wishing their days away to get to another one or a "better" one. I want to enjoy everyday...I refuse to wish my life away <3

High School

So...it happened.

Something that just a year ago I couldn't EVER see happening.

I sent in my last test of my high school career.

I'm done.

Forgiveness

So I'd feel like a major hypocrite if I did this post about how we need to forgive those who hurt us. How we need to pray for them and love them....'cause the truth is while this is all true, I struggle with forgiveness.

God's been faithful and while I've been able to have things chiseled away from this hardened heart of mine, I still struggle daily. While I'm not going to go in depth of everything that causes me to stumble in the area of forgiveness, most of it can all be traced back to my biological father. What most people don't know is my "dad" is really my stepdad. I've never met my biological father, he and my mother broke up when she was pregnant.

And while some may be thinking, "if you've never met the man, he's never been in your life, why would you be affected by it?" I'll tell you how. It's been 19 years I should be over it by now..right? Wrong.

I didn't grow up with a "daddy", he wasn't there.

And because of that I have a sense of abandonment, I have a hard time trusting...especially men. And because of all of that it's been a 2 year journey of trying to soften my heart and forgive this man I've never met. And there are times where I'm right with God and I can pray for him, but then there's times where....I'm not so right with God about it.

Times where I hurt.

It's soft to the touch, and it can come out of nowhere where I think I'm okay and then something happens and I'm overwelmed and I'm not okay. It's a tough road...but God's patient <3

Transparency

I wish I was more transparent.

That I didn't feel the need to hide who I was..

to hide my flaws

my mistakes

my misunderstandings

my confusion.

Why is it so hard to be open and honest with people about who you truely are? Why do we feel the need to put on a show? Why are we so afraid of not being so knowledgeable?

"Don't be afraid to stand out, that's how the lost get found."

I know personally I need to work on getting over feeling like I have to be fake. I'm not here to please those around me. I'm here to please God and help the lost get found. If I'm fake how am I suppose to show those who don't know Christ, or those who may know Him but are struggling the love of Him if I'm too afraid to admit my faults?

So here's my question, are you hiding your short comings, or are you transparent and authentic?

My dear tooth....

In my last post I let ya'll know about the pain I had been feeling and had been keeping to myself.

I also expressed my fear of dentists...well let's just say the past 2 days I had to face that fear twice.

Yesterday (Friday) I headed to the dentist terrified. The trip was quick, the dentist took a look, sent me to get an xray and then we discussed what was going to happen. The tooth that had been causing so much pain had broken a few months ago. When we missed our appointment it didn't bother me and so we forgot all about it. Well evidently the cause of all of this was a cavity. The cavity is the reason the molar broke but then the cavity got deeper and deeper until it was in the nerve! Which explains the pain in the whole left side of my mouth, in my ear, side of my head, down my neck, my shoulder, and arm....yeah (I was just so terrified of dentist that I let that go on for 2 whole weeks!!)

The dentist was up front and said he just didn't think he could get that tooth out and he got me a copy of my xray, got us a referral, and told us to call an oral surgeon. So my mom called and even though she expressed the pain  I was in we were told I was put onto a waiting list and that I couldn't be seen for 2 weeks. I knew I couldn't wait that long.

That was Friday, on Friday nights I do child care for a bible study at my church. I was in a lot of pain but I didn't want to let the parents who really relied on me down, so my mom let me know if the pain got too bad to get her, I got some ice and I went to watch the kids. Thankfully the pain went away and I was able to play with the kids. Afterwards we usually stay for about half an hour for fellowship and we got to talking with my pastor's daughter and she referred me to a dentist she use to work for. My mom called then this morning and they said they could take me today, maybe not till 5 pm but today none-the-less. Then we got a call at 11, if I could be there for 11:45 they could take me.

So TERRIFIED we drove over. Thankfully my little sister chilled in the waiting room so my mom could come in with me, and even though I told the dentist I couldn't do it a few times and cried a little he was very calm with me and understood my fears. They numbed my mouth (which stayed numb for about 2 hours lol). And got to work. It was a hard tooth to come out. I had my eyes closed and fists clenched the whole time. When it was done and over with I was just so overwhelmed that the tears started to flow. I couldn't stop, my mom was like "Does it hurt, what's wrong?". Nothing hurt, that was just the most traumatic and scary experience I've ever had and I was so overwhelmed. Thankfully after a nap with warm water resting on my mouth the numbing went away and I was able to eat.

Even though I'm not over my fear of dentists I'm glad that God helped me through this. I don't think I could have done it if I hadn't been in constant prayer. So now the pain's gone and I just have to let this heal.

Traumatizing, but I'm blessed to have this taken care of :-D

I need prayer!!!!

I've had immense pain these past 2 weeks, and it's only gotten worse. It all started as a small twinge of pain in my mouth. I figured it'd go away, no need to make a big thing about it, but then the pain spread and then it got worse and worse and worse. And then before I knew it I was up all night because pain meds wouldn't take the pain away and I was left to suffer in silence.

Why in silence?

I'm terrified of the dentist, TERRIFIED!!

But last night the pain got so unbearable that I told my mom where the pain was really coming from and now I'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning.

Please pray for me, I'm terrified.

She chose life

A single, divorced mother of 3.

In a relationship with a man who she comes to find out isn't who he says he is.

Makes a tough decision and has to leave the relationship.

4 weeks pregnant.

Alone.

But she chose life.

Who was that single divorced mom? That strong woman is my mother. What most people don't know is that my mom was a single mother with 4 kids for 11 years before she married my stepdad. While I love my mom, there's something deeper there. I've seen her works several jobs, I've watched her have to be the strong one when we lost our home to fire TWICE. She went back to school to become an RN to make a better life for her and her kids. I watched as she never complained or grumbled about our situations, to me growing up my mom could do anything! I have such a strong respect for my mom. I don't know how to put it in any better words than that.

Happy Mothers Day!

Me and my mom

Me, my mom, and my grandma

My mom, my sisters Kati and Sarah, my brother Billy, and me

Me and my mom on my 19th birthday

Me and my mom today at a Mother's day banquet.

Obey

I was over on Young Ladies Christian Fellowship reading some posts and one really caught my eye.
You can go ahead over and read it.

It really got me to thinking. I have two dogs and I started to think about the commands that any dog owner tries to teach them and I started to think about how I can equate myself to the dogs position in the eyes of God.

Something that I repeat to my dogs constantly is "stay". They often don't listen because well they're dogs. In my relationship with God I went through a lot of times where Christ would tell me to "stay" be still and know that He is God and I resisted...if anything I ran.

Another command that we use on the dogs is "come", or "follow me". So often people hear a command from God and are either too scared to go through with it, or worse they find it inconvient and so they don't listen.

Now here's the one that I say ALL the time "sit". I have two very spazzy dogs :-D Seriously they're crazy, they can't be still, they have to be running around, and they have to know what I'm doing at ALL times. Can you relate? You may say you trust God with your future but your actions are saying something else.

 Lord I pray I listen to You, I pray I trust you, and Lord I pray I can be still and know that YOU are GOD!!

Caring too much?

I've been told that I care too much....is that possible? Even those who have hurt me, I still find myself thinking about them...are they okay, are they happy, are they following Christ, do they have any special prayer requests? When I was younger when we were driving in the car and we passed people I would pretty much stare at them wondering how they were....yeah I was a deep kid lol. I'm the type of person who wants everyone to be happy, I mean what's fun about being sad..right?

A few months back when I started a journey to love how God loves, to love who He loves, and to see others like He does my thoughts changed. Now I'm a 19 year old who still stares at people from my car window, or when Im walking, or when I'm in the store, at church, wherever and while I still wonder how they are, I also wonder what their story is. There are things about me others don't know, things that were whispered through tears to God on late nights, things close friends keep to themselves, things that while I have asked for forgiveness and have been receiving healing from Christ they're still tender to the touch and my past is what makes me who I am. I know what it's like to struggle and just be so unhappy. It's a HORRIBLE feeling.

While I'm not stopping everyone on the street to talk to them and give them a hug (though I wish I could without getting hit lol) there's power in a smile and a prayer. So here's my question, are you loving? Not just to family and friends but to your 'enemies', to strangers? Not just went it's convenient, at all times? Does Christ's love radiate from you? I know I have my short comings and I AM NOT PERFECT, but I am constantly praying and learning how to be transformed by God.