Being real and authentic.

I wanna be real. I want to be able to speak my mind and heart and not be afraid what others think. I want to be authentic. There are things in my life that I've done that I'm in no way proud of. But when you can clearly see in your life when you were down and out, you were falling but God saved you, your perspective about who Christ is exactly changed.

I use to cut myself.

I struggled with a vicious cycle of self injury for about 5 years. Five long years of giving Satan a foothold in my life, feeling shame, being a slave to sin, just not understanding how to get out. Five long years of feeling like my emotions and actions were out of control.

I know what it's like to be afraid of my own mind.

I felt trapped. I felt stuck, alone, and scared...more scared then I've ever been in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't recognize my own thoughts. As I saw it I had no way out. For those years I was stuck in depression, suicidal thoughts, and endless ups and downs of self injury.

But Christ saved me.

And in the words of Relient K:

I'm sorry for the person I became, I sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to try to never become that way again. Who I am hates who I've been, who I am will take the second chance You gave me.

My chains are gone.

I am free.

Right perspective

God, I know that through troubles and trials and fears and pain You’re there for me. And I’m sorry for not always acknowledging that fact. I love You. Thank You for always being there. You’re my constant, and You’re all I need <3

Lately I've been trying to deal with some things. Things that I should've dealt with years ago but because I wasn't reaching out and finding my strength in God I wasn't able to. It's been hard, I'm not gonna lie about that. I left school in late November and I head back on Sunday and in just that amount of time I've changed. Through ups and downs, and craziness God grabbed my heart. And eventhough I'm still struggling and at times I'm really hurting I need to keep reminding myself that God's got this...He's got this. He saved me.

This brought tears to my eyes

Anxiety/Panic

You can call it what you want.

Anxiety attack..panic attack.

I struggle with both.

It's definitely not as bad as it use to be but having panic attacks was something I struggled with on a daily basis. That's something that I think I've only shared with 1 other person. Was I ashamed? I don't really know, it's more of the fact that unless you're there to witness the attack while it's happening you can't really tell if someone has an issue with it. So who's going to believe me, right?

My goal is to be more open and transparent so I'm okay with starting to talk about it. I still deal with anxiety attacks. Like for example in my Theology class last month..well October our teacher asked for volunteers that would be reading something in front of the class later in the upcoming week. Something in me told me I had to do it. So I raised my hand and got picked.

I have a huge desire to get over my anxiety. So I lean on God and then with much fear purposefully put myself into positions where I know I'm going to get anxious. Like for instance getting up on stage in front of 250+ people and reading. I put myself in positions to make myself anxious, which is really easy I mean I know myself and I know what makes me anxious. I push through it with God's help, man does my prayer life spike when I'm having anxiety!

I know I can't do this on my own strength, I know that because I've tried for so long. My struggle with anxiety is way bigger then some little stage fright. Because my anxiety attacks leads into panic attacks. For example I'll have an anxiety attack over something simple like walking down the block from my sisters house to my house when it's dark out. But you would think once i get into my house and the door is locked I'd be okay but then panic sets in "what if a person followed me home what if somehow he gets in, I could be killed".

You see my panic attacks are very unrealistic...sometimes I blame shows like Criminal Minds lol.

I know if I really want to get over these attacks I need to turn to Christ, cause it's only through Him that I'll find healing. It just feels nice to be able to type this all out.

Maybe I'm not all alone in this....

When everything falls apart

This song gives me so much hope. It's like God's speaking it to me.

You said
You'd never leave or forsake me
when You said,
this life is gonna shake me
and You said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this I know

when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on
when I see
darkness all around me
when I see
that tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know

when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me togethe
rwhen everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on


Sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun
(it’s rising with the sun)
and there will be storms in this life
but I know You have overcome
You have overcome
when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on


when everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on