Running

Overwhelmed I sat down hard and poured out my feelings to my room supervisor. Tales of being overwhelmed, depressed, confused, wanting answers, just plain ole' tired...and then that's when I had to get to the real problem. All those emotions had hit all at once during out meeting and I had 2 things run through my head...to go back to a self-destructive sin and to run. Run from God, run from wanting to change, run from being transformed by God...I just wanted to run. I had been trying so hard and only got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter because I was doing it all on my own. My supervisor was honest with me and told me she didn't have the answers for me. In walked our unit leader who sat down and I repeated everything to her..no holds back and she didn't have the answers either....

Frustrated I told them I wanted to go to bed. I went to my room and cried, in walked my friend who just rubbed my back while I cried, she left and I just laid there in the dark. Confused, hurt, angry and overwhelmed. I didn't sleep that night. If I did I don't remember it.

In the end, all that progress I thought I was making was nothing. Because all of it was through my own strength. All of it.

I've been bogged down by doubts, fears, and thoughts. I still can't fully grasp that I am a new creation in the sight of God, and that I'm more than who I once was and all the mistakes that came with that old person...and that I've been given new life.

I'm having a hard time with all of that.