Daddy...Abba

Okay so yesterday I had a busy morning with classes and then 2 meetings and so finally I sat down infront of my computer around 3 and I just sat there and I could feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew what I needed to do but I fought it.

See, I’ve been kinda avoiding God lately. I mean sure I’ve been “seeking Him” and learning more but there’s been a conversation that’s needed to be had and I was avoiding it. But after like 5 minutes I grabbed my bible and my bag and set out. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I needed to get off my school’s campus. I walked for about 20 minutes and then sat down near the lake not really sure of what to do.

I had my ipod on and was listening to music. I knew I needed to deal with everything that's been going on in me but I just sat there listening to a few songs and fighting tears, and that's when I decided to turn on the song “Carried to the table” by Leeland. And it wasn’t long before I started to cry….more like wept uncontrollably. And it was then that I found an appreciation for wind lol. The wind just kept coming harder and harder and in a sense it was like God’s presence there to comfort me.

And it was then that a conversation that should’ve been had back in March happened. Throughout my past I’ve hit many lows, my rock bottoms. With self injury, pill popping, depression, among other things but this was a new kind of brokeness. I just sat there with my head in my hands crying while saying “Daddy…Daddy, I’m sorry.”

I’ve been fighting for months to be able to call God my “Daddy”. I didn’t grow up with a dad, my mom married my stepdad with I was almost 11, but by then I had concluded I didn’t need a “dad”. I never knew that would intrude on my relationship with God. But starting back in March I realized I couldn’t call God my “father” or my “dad” and most certaintly not my “daddy”. And when God really impressed onto me that something was wrong I fought hard.

But God, Daddy..You carried me. I am healed and unashamed. <3