Self observance

So I've been home on break a little over a month and compared to last years winter break from school, it's been vastly different. Last year the whole break I was so ready to head back to school...I missed it. But this year I don't necessary want to head back. I'm not ready to jump back into the craziness of school. But something else is different about this break. God's taken this time to teach me about myself.

I could list a rather large list of what God's been teaching me about myself but I just want to focus on one thing for right now. Growing up in a single parent home I watched my mom work so hard to support and raise us kids. It was just her for the first almost 11 years of my life before she married my step dad. My mom didn't really have anyone to help her out. Sure my grandma loved her, and she had 2 brothers. But my grandma didn't live near us, and neither did her 2 brothers. My mom was on her own, and she was self sufficient. So I suppose that may be where I learned my mentality of self sufficiency.

What came with that self sufficiency wasn't always confidence, but I was a very independent child. And so growing up with that mentality I always felt the need to do things for myself. I had a hard time accepting help from others, sometimes that was so if things turned out bad I only had myself to blame, but other times I just honestly didn't see it as an option to have others help me. That was until I started the 2nd year program at WOLBI. It was then I was sitting in a chapel for Missions Reality and it hit me....I had to raise support for this missions trip to Thailand. I had to talk to people about my need for prayer and financial support, and that was way out of my comfort zone. So with much reluctancy I headed home knowing I would need to stand in front of churches, sit down with people, make phones calls, and write letters telling people about a need that I had. Oh did I mention along with that mentality of self sufficiency, I also had a fear of public speaking? Yeah :)

So I came home and that Sunday I was standing in front of my home church's 8am "traditional" service expressing this need, and then again at the 10:30 service...phew with that behind me I thought I could be done, and then 2 weeks late I was in front of my childhood church's congregation expressing this need. I found myself speaking in front of churches, sitting in pews talking to people, standing outside of churches talking, on facebook chatting with people, writing emails to people, chatting with people before Zumba classes, just like I had so fearfully expected. But it started to get easier, and God definitely helped me to start to overcome my fear of public speaking. But at the time and even up till yesterday I never really paid much attention to my self sufficiency mentality that was until today when I was sitting in my living room thinking about my upcoming missions trip to Thailand and about the financial need I still had...and I started to worry. I signed onto my online account to see my account balance and that's when I saw it, a $500 donation. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I could do was think about how big God was, and how small I was.

I've never felt so blessed and humbled before I started this journey of raising support for my missions trip. Not only have I been able to use this time to work through my fear of man and public speaking, but God's made me realize that I am apart of a body of believers and that I need to let people in. But most importantly I need to put my trust in Him, daily. I'm full of awe, and I am humbled.