Forgiveness

So I'd feel like a major hypocrite if I did this post about how we need to forgive those who hurt us. How we need to pray for them and love them....'cause the truth is while this is all true, I struggle with forgiveness.

God's been faithful and while I've been able to have things chiseled away from this hardened heart of mine, I still struggle daily. While I'm not going to go in depth of everything that causes me to stumble in the area of forgiveness, most of it can all be traced back to my biological father. What most people don't know is my "dad" is really my stepdad. I've never met my biological father, he and my mother broke up when she was pregnant.

And while some may be thinking, "if you've never met the man, he's never been in your life, why would you be affected by it?" I'll tell you how. It's been 19 years I should be over it by now..right? Wrong.

I didn't grow up with a "daddy", he wasn't there.

And because of that I have a sense of abandonment, I have a hard time trusting...especially men. And because of all of that it's been a 2 year journey of trying to soften my heart and forgive this man I've never met. And there are times where I'm right with God and I can pray for him, but then there's times where....I'm not so right with God about it.

Times where I hurt.

It's soft to the touch, and it can come out of nowhere where I think I'm okay and then something happens and I'm overwelmed and I'm not okay. It's a tough road...but God's patient <3